They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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