he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
