Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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