every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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