Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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