Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
