Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
