I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
