i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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