She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
