this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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