im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
do herpes really smell.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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