it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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