there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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