the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Randomize
