Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
