haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
