my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
