Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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