I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
