Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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