I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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