There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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