No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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