i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
