Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
