You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
