i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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