It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just high enough for therapy.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
