Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
