First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
cat food counts as protein by the way
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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