thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
