You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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