Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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