to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
pop tarts are not kleenex
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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