I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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