I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize