i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
