a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
