A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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