Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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