i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
i need some magic done to my vagina
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
