Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
