one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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