then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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