Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
no you cant smoke seaweed
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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