I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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