i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
