his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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