My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
