is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
