I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
