It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
