Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize