I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
