You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
