Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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