Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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