I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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