After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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