I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
