and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
